The Netflix show Coming Out Colton was a tender series which told the story of Colton Underwood, ex NFL player, ex star of the TV show The Bachelor, and his growing honesty about being gay. It didn’t sugar-coat his suicidal thoughts, nor his failures against his then girlfriend, who had a restraining order placed on him. But it did present a man genuinely sorry for hurting others, someone prepared to get behind his actions to confront what was really going on in his heart. There is a lot to like about Colton in his quest for redemption.
Over six parts, he comes out to his mum first of all, then his dad and brother, as well as friends from the locker room, friends from church, and his pastor. He meets lots of new friends along the way, as he tries to grow into a new identity in the gay community, and finds an affirming church to join. An interview with a journalist on Good Morning America is a highpoint of the series because it makes his story so public. The evident relief he experiences towards the end of the season reveals new alignments within his life. There are of course drawbacks to the docudrama genre, but I was drawn in powerfully and compassionately.
There are so many things I wanted to ask Colton, and a whole lot of things I wanted to tell him as well.
As a same-sex attracted Christian who is committed to a life of celibacy, there are so many things I wanted to ask Colton, and a whole lot of things I wanted to tell him as well. I found myself asking in each episode, how would I offer Colton pastoral support? What would be the wrong thing to say? The right thing? While playing backyard basketball with some guys from church, he shared his story, and it seemed to me that his friends were kind and loving in their reactions. They all affirmed that they loved him, there were lots of bro hugs, and they were honest in return, saying that they wouldn’t agree with all that being gay could mean. But later we learn that Colton was disappointed with their responses, as were his brother and friend, because any disagreement meant judgement. His pastor was more direct in his theological response than his friends had been.
Colton wants to find his truth, and I wanted him to find truth too. I was annoyed with the affirming church for misusing the Bible and stating that there is no sin anymore for anyone, for in Christ’s death it was fully paid for and entirely wiped out. I was annoyed with a trans woman pastor who lectured him with pointed finger. I was annoyed at his church pastor who used abstract language and talked too much (at least in the edited version). I was annoyed at some of his other friends who impugned the motives of Christians and assumed them to be bad. When they said too much, I actually found myself wanting to say less and listen more. I didn’t want so much to talk to him about homosexuality but why God gave us desires in the first place.
In pastoring anyone who is processing their same-sex attraction, an orientation which goes deep in our soul, I would want to communicate above all else how desires are not our destiny, and don’t define us, positively or negatively. Desires aren’t necessarily sinful, as James teaches us in 1:14-15. They can be good servants, but are often fickle masters. Me being me, or you being you, is not in the first instance about expressing our feelings. Owning them yes, but knowing what to do with them involves a whole lot of other things: our values, our hopes, our dreams, our vision for a flourishing life and a better world. Feeling like each part of me works together with every other part of me to make me whole is a complicated project.
Desires are not our destiny, but desires do need to be directed.
Interestingly, Colton’s coming out story has lots of parallels with a Christian’s conversion story. In this show, he tells us how he stopped trying to make deals with God, which involved offering God his obedience and love, if in return he got liberation from same-sex attraction. And when he stopped trying, he found a new peace, assuming that God would love him exactly as he found him, which is all entirely true, and theologically helpful. In one sense, he had found a kind of grace, an understanding that God gives gifts that are not based on our achievements or performance (so important for an elite athlete like Colton). It was for him a great step forward.
But there are other steps in the path of discipleship. Desires are not our destiny, but desires do need to be directed. They can be dangerous without banks to direct the flow. Feelings are important but they’re just not great foundations for the rest of life. In fact, sometimes we only come to understand our deepest longings after sustained reflection. Decisions based around daily desires need to be taken cautiously. Same-sex attraction has shaped so much of who I am, undeniably, but the life-transforming gift of grace has consequences, shaping who I am yet to become. It has eternal significance. Coming out is nothing compared with arriving home.
