‘It’s alright for you,’ is the implied or stated assumption from straight youth leaders. ‘You are gay. You can tell gay Christian teens that they shouldn’t have a same-sex relationship. But I can’t do that.’
I could not count the number of times I’ve encountered this assumption – whether from other youth leaders who are considering how to teach on sexuality, or from friends who don’t know how to share the gospel with their gay colleagues. And they're not entirely wrong. I do have an advantage. As a celibate, same-sex attracted Christian myself, it’s not that offensive or outlandish for me to call others to live this way.
But what about those who are straight? Particularly, perhaps, those who are straight and married? Isn’t it unfair for them to ask gay people to keep to a standard that they don’t have to keep to themselves? How can a straight Christian possibly share the biblical teaching on sexuality with a gay person?
Underlying all this are two misunderstandings.
Misunderstanding #1: About Discipleship
Following Jesus costs everything, for every one of us who becomes a disciple. Everything. As we walk the narrow way of Jesus, there is no part of life that remains untouched.
For the gay person, an obvious cost is in the realm of sexuality.
We're all taking up our cross to follow Jesus; those crosses are just made up a little differently.
But for the straight person, there is cost too, and also in the realm of sexuality – either as a single person committed to celibacy, or as a married person committed to sacrificially loving their spouse. Following Jesus costs all of us, in sexuality and in everything else – career, money, the good opinion of others, some dreams or aspirations. The call to the disciple is to come and die (Matthew 16:24-25); that’s the message to both gay people and straight people.
This can be a really helpful thing to draw out when speaking to young people. You’re not calling gay teens to keep to a standard that you don’t have to keep to. We're all taking up our cross to follow Jesus; those crosses are just made up a little differently.
Misunderstanding #2: About Singleness
When we view singleness and celibacy as second-class ways of living, of course biblical teaching seems unfair. You can just picture the kid fuming at the back of the room. How dare she tell me I have to be single and lonely forever because I’m attracted to the same sex, when she gets to go home to her husband?
But singleness is good. It’s a gift, on the same level as the gift of marriage. Singleness is not a second-class standard of living. It's not the waiting stage before you finally launch into adulthood on the good ship Matrimony. Singleness and marriage are both hard, in their own ways – they each come with challenges and things we’d rather avoid. But singleness and marriage are also both gifts.
These gifts are different ways of expressing the same truth – the story of a faithful God who longs for, pursues and commits forever to his people. Our marriages are a picture, a metaphor of the ultimate marriage to come, when God is finally, fully joined to his people forever. And singleness is a testimony of this truth. The single life proclaims that that ultimate marriage is worth waiting for, and that God is enough for us in the here and now.
When the people of God operate as we were designed to, there shouldn’t be such a thing as a lonely Christian, no matter their marital status.
Being single doesn’t automatically mean being lonely. I know married people who are lonely, and singles who operate daily in deep, rich, satisfying relationships. As well as the gift of singleness or marriage, God gives us the gifts of friendship, of church family, of spiritual brother- and sister-hood. When the people of God operate as we were designed to, there shouldn’t be such a thing as a lonely Christian, no matter their marital status.
And so a call to singleness is not actually unfair, even if it’s being made by someone who’s married. Again, what you’re asking of people is simply faithfulness to Jesus, enjoying whichever good gift it is that they currently have.
Don't be afraid
So, straight youth leader, please don’t be afraid to teach on sexuality. All the kids in your youth group desperately need to hear the good news that the Bible offers to our sex-mad world.
Speak about the cost of discipleship for you in the area of sexuality, whether as a single or a married person. Speak about the cost in other areas, too. Make the point that the challenge for them might look different, but that fundamentally, it’s the same call – to come and die, so that you can truly live.
Speak about singleness and marriage: the challenges and joys, the opportunities and message of both gifts. Speak about the bigger picture they represent: the ultimate marriage that all earthly marriages point to, and the only one who truly satisfies us and fulfils all our deepest longings.
Gay or straight, single or married, that’s a message that every youth leader can share.