Dating is a minefield, full stop. Perhaps even more so if you’re a teenager. And for a Christian teenager, it can feel like you’re already balancing on a mine, and the slightest move in the wrong direction will set the whole field off.
Here are three questions to ask yourself. They won’t remove all of the mines, but they can at least help to make the field more navigable.
- How can I please God?
- How does the bigger story of gospel sexuality apply here?
- How can I demonstrate the goodness of marriage and of singleness?
Or, in a handy three word summary – God, gospel, goodness.
Let’s talk through them one at a time.
#1 – God. How can I please God?
For starters, this will mean you date someone who loves God, and who’s going to help and encourage you to become more like him.
It will also mean making sure your priorities are in the right order. Make sure you aren’t putting dating, or the person you might date, above God. God loves us – he wants us to have life to the full, and he knows that we only find that when we put him first. And God loves what is right – putting him first is what we were made for, and what he deserves.
Sometimes we feel like we need to date in order to be happy, or complete, or important. But the truth is that only God can give us real happiness, significance and satisfaction. So put him first. Make sure he is your top priority.
#2 – Gospel. How does the bigger story of gospel sexuality apply here?
We unpack this story of gospel sexuality in Kaleidoscope, our free resource for youth groups. This is a story that the whole Bible is telling about an intimate union with God that we were designed for, that we rejected, that is beautifully restored in Jesus, and that the people of God will enjoy in full forever. Sexuality and marriage are designed to be a signpost to this union between God and his people.
Are your choices about dating aimed at telling that story?
Living in faithfulness to Jesus, and in line with this story, gives the Christian two beautiful options – marriage or singleness.
This means that Christian dating must be working towards marriage. Not in a really intense way – you don’t have to marry the first person you date, or be certain that you could marry someone before you go out with them! But we try to keep the bigger picture in view.
Have a think about why you’re dating. Is it because you want your life and your sexuality to demonstrate the gospel through marriage, rather than through singleness? Or are you dating for a different reason – maybe for your own personal satisfaction, or to experience intimacy, or to find your identity?
If you realise that your reasons for dating aren’t in line with the bigger story of gospel sexuality, you’ve then got an opportunity to challenge your beliefs and bring them into line with what Jesus says. What do you really believe about desire and happiness, intimacy and identity? Do your beliefs line up with what the Bible says about these things, and with what the Bible says sexuality is actually for? What would it look like if you truly believed what the Bible says about sexuality?
It’s often really helpful to have someone else helping you think through these kinds of questions. That might be your youth leader, or it might be a friend who knows the Bible well and who loves Jesus.
#3 – Goodness. How can I demonstrate the goodness of marriage and of singleness?
Marriage and singleness are both good gifts, and pictures of the bigger story we’ve been talking about.
Marriage is a living picture of that union between God and his people – two fundamentally different beings coming together as one. And singleness is also a living picture of this story. Singleness declares that God himself is enough, and the future he promises is worth waiting for.
In eternity, we will be corporately married to Jesus and individually single. Marriage is a picture of that future, of our union with God – and singleness is also a picture of that future, of how our relationships with one another will work.
Singleness and marriage are both really good. So how can we demonstrate that through our dating choices?
One way you do this is by keeping sexual contact and activity for marriage. Have conversations about the kind of boundaries you’ll be putting in place for your dating relationship – and tell other people about them too, people who will help hold you to those lines you’ve drawn.
Another way might be asking yourself, ‘Would I be just as happy being single?’. Singleness is just as good as marriage is – so if your answer to that question is ‘no’, you wouldn’t be just as happy if you were single, then you need to ask why. Again, there might be an opportunity there to challenge some false beliefs you might have about singleness, relationships, sexuality, and so on.
So there’s three questions – on God, the gospel and goodness – that you can ask to help you make decisions when it comes to dating. May they power down many of the mines you feel surrounded by!
There’s a lot more that could be said about dating. Again, Kaleidoscope is the place to go. We have a deep dive study guide on dating that you can work through as a youth group or on your own. Go sign up now to access all the Kaleidoscope materials for free.
