Sasha Ayad, Lisa Marchiano and Stella O’Malley, When Kids Say They’re Trans: A Guide for Thoughtful Parents (Swift Press, 2023)
In recent years, many parents have faced a heart-breaking situation. The daughter whom they have lovingly raised from birth through to adolescence suddenly announces that they are not, and have never been, a girl. They are, in fact, a boy, and they expect their parents to use a different name and pronouns from henceforth and to facilitate their access to hormone treatment. Parents who fail to immediately agree with their child’s perspective and requests are branded transphobic and told they need to choose between having a dead daughter or a living son. It has often been daughters who make such a startling announcement, but increasing numbers of sons are also now identifying as transgender or non-binary. For some families, these events bring with them distress and discord like they have never before known.
When Kids Say They’re Trans is a book written for parents whose lives have been turned upside down by an event such as this. It is written by three of the most qualified people to advise parents on the topic: psychotherapists Sasha Ayad, Lisa Marchiano, and Stella O’Malley. Each has many years’ experience of working with parents and young people impacted by gender. Stella and Sasha are the presenters of the popular podcast Gender: A Wider Lens.
Overall perspective and approach
This book is upfront about its perspective from its opening pages:
‘So, is your child trans? If you mean does your child have an innate, untestable, inner quality that requires him or her to undergo social or medical transition to survive and thrive, the answer, we believe, is no. On the other hand, your child’s gender-related distress is likely real and acutely felt’ (p.4).
While this is not a book written by Christian authors, I think this nicely captures the two-part perspective that Christians should take on gender-related distress: our feelings do not reveal who we really are or the route to our best life; God does that through the body with which he creates us. However, due to the impact of sin on the world, some people will experience very genuine distress around their identity as a man or a woman, a boy or a girl. The reality of sin’s impact on the world should cause us to take seriously and respond compassionately to the distress some young people experience.
The authors are also equally upfront on what they consider to be in the best interests of children and teens experiencing gender-related distress: for parents to continue loving and parenting their children, following their parental instincts.
This is a book that seeks to empower parents, in contrast to some aspects of the trans movement which often present parents as the main problem. Parents know their children best and love their children most, therefore, they are best placed to care for their young people amidst all that they are experiencing. But the authors also point out that the book is not a one-size-fits-all all guide. Parents, as those who know their children best and love them most, will need to read the book and see what fits for their own family and situation. Christian parents should read this book with these helpful words in mind:
‘Take what feels right, but don’t let anything here supersede your instincts about what you or your child need’ (p.X).
What the book covers
The contents of the book are extensive. The authors help parents gain an understanding of what is going on among young people in relation to gender in the modern west today. They help parents understand forms of transition children might request, how to engage with schools and therapists, and what journeys of desistence and detransition can look like. They also give wisdom on parenting approaches that are alternatives to affirmation of a trans identity, being aware of family dynamics, managing conflict and how parents can care for themselves well. A collection of appendices offers further helpful insight into topics like the concept of gender, relevant cultural and social movements, and common conditions that can be present among children experiencing gender distress.
Practical wisdom and worked examples are peppered throughout. While the book can’t be a one-size-fits-all all guide, I think it will equip parents with understanding, ideas, and ways of engaging with their child. The authors are also careful to take into consideration the very different approaches that might be required for young children, those in adolescence, and those who are now young adults.
Some considerations for Christians
As already noted, the authors are not writing from a Christian perspective. They are not disparaging of religion, however, and note that for some parents religious belief will have an important role to play, especially in terms of how they practice self-care.
Christian readers might expect the chapter on sexuality to be problematic. Inevitably the authors do not subscribe to the traditional Christian sexual ethic, but there is still much in the chapter which can be hugely helpful to Christian parents. It is important to be aware of how emerging same-sex attraction, pornography, and even just the reality of sexual maturing during puberty can play a part in gender questioning.
Christian parents will want to keep in mind that this is not a Christian resource. They will want to keep considering how a Christian worldview can add to what is being said, but its secular perspective is not a reason to avoid this book.
Concluding thoughts
I am so glad that this book exists and grateful to the authors for writing it. It is a substantial book (over 300 pages) and while the authors do a good job at trying to communicate clearly on a very complex topic, I suspect that parents who are new to the topic might find it takes some digesting. I also feel the structure isn’t the most obvious or accessible for a book for parents. I hope the authors might consider writing a shorter version with a different structure that could be a starting point for parents in the initial aftermath of a trans announcement.
Even with these ideas for improvement stated, this is an incredibly helpful and important book. Parents who do find themselves in the situation described above, and youth leaders, church leaders and others seeking to support them will benefit greatly from reading and digesting what Sasha, Lisa and Stella have offered us.
