I was recently at a wedding and had the privilege of playing the drums in the service and praying for the lovely Christian couple as they committed to each other. I was truly happy for my friends. Christian marriage is a wonderful gift from God, not just for the people involved, but as a picture of Christ’s relationship with the Church.

And yet there was a deep pain for me too. I have only ever been romantically attracted to women, and I have had a few female lovers who have wanted to marry me. At times I have longed to be able to make a woman my wife – to promise to love and cherish her for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.

Instead, I’ve had to make another promise. A promise to want the very best for the woman I love. To point her to Jesus, even if that means having to take a back seat in her life or even being out of her life altogether. A promise to pray for her every day, even through tears as I see her rejecting God and being with another female lover. A promise to put aside my ungodly longings in order to love her in a better and deeper way.

This is a promise that no one sees or celebrates. That doesn’t come with cards or gifts. That doesn’t have a host of family and friends offering support in it. That doesn’t have lots of Christian books and courses to help fulfil it. It’s a hidden and lonely commitment to loving the very best way I can. To pouring myself out for people who may have long forgotten me and what I once meant to them. It bears the pain of rejection and isolation.

And yet there is one who sees, who knows and understands. As I battle disappointment, grief and loneliness I know that I don’t do it alone. Jesus is right with me in the pain. He understands what it’s like to lose a close friend (Matthew 26:20-25). He knows what it is to be alone in his prayers (Matthew 26:40-41). He loves those who don’t love him back (Luke 23:33-34). And he has demonstrated a love beyond anything I could ever give – pouring out his very self on a cruel cross for my sake and the sake of the women I love.

So when I long to promise myself to a woman – to protect her, to be there for her, to love her always – I can instead entrust her to the only one who will do that for eternity.

‘For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord’ (Romans 8:38-39).