My husband and I have four sons aged between 16 and 21. As such, we are coming out of the ‘leading the way’ phase of parenting and into the ‘supporting from the sidelines’ phase (rather bumpily, it must be said).

Much time has been spent wondering what the future holds for our children. I’m keen that they have some meaningful work to do, that they understand what it means to be independent, and more than anything, that they find their way to consistently following Jesus.

What do we want for our children?

For those of us who have children, what else might we hope for their future? I have heard many a middle-aged woman comment that they are looking forward to grandchildren and I regularly see on Facebook posts like ‘Grandchildren are God’s reward for putting up with your kids.’

Being around church culture, especially, can cause people to feel that getting married and beginning to produce is the pinnacle of the Christian’s journey. Perhaps we think if children settle down with a Christian spouse and have a family, they are more likely to keep going in their faith, as if a wedding ring can keep us following Jesus.

Maybe we think if they stay single, they could be more easily dragged away by the temptations of this world. Or perhaps we’ve become convinced by the culture’s narrative that a single life is a lonely life.

Is that what God’s word says?

In 1 Corinthians 7:32-34, Paul writes:

‘I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided.’

Paul seems to be advocating the ‘free and single’ lifestyle, but not in order to please yourself travelling around the world, doing whatever you like. No, Paul is talking of being free in order to be wholly devoted to the Lord.

Now, of course, just being single doesn’t make you more committed to God, but Paul is saying singleness creates more space in life for doing God’s work and thinking about how to live for him.

Being married can sometimes squeeze out time and space for God. As a wife or husband, you have to adjust your life to consider the needs of a totally separate person. A person who thinks differently, communicates differently, and has different priorities. Much time can be spent negotiating life’s big and small decisions or resolving conflict, especially if you are very different.

If you go on to have children, this is even more the case. If you were to ask me how I spent most of my time when my children were aged between one and ten, the answer would be picking stuff up and putting it back where it was earlier in the day.

Lead them in the way they should go

So, when we consider the future of our kids, do we unwittingly put pressure on them to get married and have children? Quite apart from whether this is God’s purpose for them, have we considered the pain we might cause if getting married and having children is not going to be their path? There are many reasons why this could be the case – being same-sex attracted, not meeting someone, not being able to conceive.

The way we pray for our children can be a bit of a giveaway. If we find ourselves often praying for their future spouse or for their general happiness, this reveals what we value in our hearts. Of course, we want to be praying all sorts of things for our children, practical and spiritual, but praying for their walk with God is key.

The proverb ‘Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it’ (Proverbs 22:6) has nothing to do with lifestyle and everything to do with following the Lord.

To help our children, let’s focus on encouraging them to live lives wholly devoted to God and recognise that in order to do that, we may need to challenge some of our thinking with what God’s word says on marriage and singleness.