I've spent a lot of time carefully planning my funeral. (I know how to have fun!) The reason is that – as a single, childless person – it's the only church celebration I'm going to get. I've put lots of thought into the songs I want, the passages of Scripture that I'd like read, what charities I'd like the collection to go to, and even the type of coffin I want (Fairtrade and sustainable, if you're interested!). It's such a shame that I won't even be there.

A married couple with children are likely to enjoy some or all of the following celebrations:

• Adult baptism/confirmation (depending on church tradition)
• Engagement
• Wedding
• Wedding anniversaries
• Baby shower (times number of children)
• Birth of child (times number of children)
• Dedication/baptism of child (times number of children)
• Children’s birthdays and other milestones
• Children’s weddings
• Becoming grandparents
• Funeral

For single, childless people, the list is rather shorter:

• Adult baptism/confirmation (depending on church tradition)
• Funeral

What we celebrate highlights what we value

It's good to celebrate nuclear family life. As we have written elsewhere marriage is a fantastic picture of the ultimate marriage between Jesus and his Church that we are all invited to be part of. The birth of children is a blessing, and I love being able to share in this with my friends. But in the focus of our corporate celebrations, I worry that we're inadvertently giving the message that married, family life is superior. Not only do single people often have to make big decisions and life transitions alone, but they often go unacknowledged in the family of God.

I worry that we're inadvertently giving the message that married, family life is superior.

I think singleness is truly a blessing, and I'm glad that God has given me this particular gift. I sometimes struggle with it enormously, but I don't think that the problems I experience would be solved by being married. However, the hardest thing I find about being single is often feeling invisible and overlooked in the church. I've lost count of how many weddings, christenings and baby showers I've been to over the years, but I'm struggling to recall when I last experienced faithful singleness being celebrated (it was probably a funeral).

One of my biggest sadnesses is that I'm losing out on missional opportunities. Weddings, anniversaries, baby dedications/christenings and family birthdays are all easy events to invite non-Christian friends and family to. The last event that provided me with the same opportunity was my baptism. It was great that non-believers who I really love came along to hear how I became a Christian and why I love Jesus. But that was 27 years ago, and I really don't want the next opportunity to be when I'm dead.

I'm also aware that our communal times are heavily skewed towards celebrating good things (and it's right to express gratitude to our generous God for all the blessings he gives us). But there needs to be space for corporate lament too, especially to honour those faithful disciples who persevere in spite of ongoing suffering and relentless difficulty. To leave them unacknowledged in public celebration seems like a cruel double blow.

In the very individualistic culture of 21st century Britain, the Church needs to work harder at deep community and being true family, for the sake of single people and the many married people who also experience loneliness and isolation. A more holistic approach to communal celebration and lament is also key to being an attractive, real missional community. So how can we make a few changes to redress the balance?

Some practical ideas

I recognise that everyone is different, and for some people it would be their worst nightmare to be mentioned from the front of church, but there are lots of creative ways of honouring and encouraging everyone in our church family, whatever their life circumstances.

• We can broaden the scope of what we celebrate together to include other achievements and blessings such as someone new joining the church, a new job or promotion, an academic achievement, an act of service or someone being granted Leave to Remain.
• I go to a Christian recovery programme where we get given plastic chips to mark milestones in our recovery. Many workplaces also celebrate long service in some way (although I'm not suggesting you rush out and buy carriage clocks for long-serving church members). Something similar could be incorporated into church life to mark how long someone has been following Jesus or how long someone has been at the church. You could get creative with what these markers are: maybe a framed picture with a meaningful verse, a piece of jewellery, a special book or Bible, a journal, or a ticket to a concert or event. You could have a slot in the service to present the gift and for them to share their blessings and struggles.
• You could invite each person to choose a special date they’d like to celebrate annually. It could be their biological birthday, their Christian birthday, the anniversary of their baptism or a personal milestone (for example when they gave up alcohol). You could ask them how they'd like this date marked, suggesting various options.
• It's good to be aware of difficult dates for those in our congregation as well. Lamenting together is a biblical command and helps those who are suffering find solidarity and comfort. It may be the anniversary of the death of a loved one, a lost job, an accident or difficult health diagnosis or a broken friendship. Being mindful of these times and maybe offering a care package, meal or hug can be life-transforming.
• You could do a photo project or series of interviews (in church services and/or on the church website or in a booklet) where people get the opportunity to talk about what they do during the week, whether that's a paid job, volunteering, looking after children or hobbies.
• To honour single people in particular, your church could run a special service or event to showcase the lives of notable and local single Christians (historical or current) who are using their singleness for the kingdom. You could also invite everyone to share some words about a single Christian who inspires them, whether it's someone well-known, or just known to them personally.

These are just a few ideas and I'm sure you can think of many more. Let's expand our vision of how we honour faithful disciples, celebrate, lament, and draw close to God in all aspects of our church community life.