I hate weddings. Or at least I used to. Is this a safe place to admit that? I used to sit there in the ceremony feeling like every part of it was designed to rub salt in my own personal wounds.
In my 20s, I was coming to terms with my sexuality and what that might mean for my life and future. A big part of that was a growing realisation that I would probably never be married. The tendency for Christians to get married young meant that at the same time as I was coming to terms with my sexuality and future, I was also going to a lot of weddings.
Throwing a huge party to celebrate a couple’s love seemed unfair to me when I felt like my own feelings had to be hidden away.
Throwing a huge party to celebrate a couple’s love seemed unfair to me when I felt like my own feelings had to be hidden away. Who was going to celebrate me? Other people’s excitement at weddings would only make my pain worse. Would I ever see anyone as excited about something I'm doing as they are for these people getting married?
Weirdly, the detail I found the hardest and most painful was the moment just after the bride enters the church and begins to walk down the aisle. After they have taken in her splendid dress, the congregation turn back to look at the groom and to see how he reacts. I have seen a lot of grooms cry. A lot. I would say I’ve seen more grooms cry than brides. Some sob. I've seen them ugly cry, choked up, overwhelmed with the emotion of the moment of seeing their bride dressed in glowing white, walking slowly down the aisle. 'I wish someone would love me that much', I would think. What must that feel like to provoke such a response in another?
Maybe I have lost you a bit at this point. Even writing this I cringe a little at the sorry little selfish Eeyore I was. But the answer to these griefs, and pains and thoughts has not been to dismiss them as insignificant (they aren't). I have grown in my ability to be happy for others, and for that to not impinge on my own sense of value as a person. Their joy should not lessen mine.
A recent moment brought home to me all the more why even this painful moment is one I could rejoice in.
I know very well that marriage is a pointer to the relationship between Christ at his Church, but in that moment, I felt the reality of that image powerfully.
I was at yet another wedding, much more content. But still that moment where the congregation turns back and the groom cries got to me. I felt that discomfort. I moved on. Until the next day when I was reading Julian Hardyman's excellent book, Jesus Lover of my Soul. It just happened to be the chapter all about the moment when the couple in Song of Songs finally get married. As Hardyman points out, the delight of the groom in his bride is a pointer to the delight of Jesus in us. Intellectually, I know very well that marriage is a pointer to the relationship between Christ and his Church, but in that moment, I felt the reality of that image powerfully.
John Owen captures it beautifully:
‘The delight of the bridegroom in the day of his [marriage] is the height of what an expression of delight can be... This is, in Christ, answerable to the relation he takes us into. His heart is glad in us... And every day while we live is his wedding day.’1
It’s slightly old-school language, but here John Owen directly connects the delight of Christ in us to the delight of a groom on his wedding day. Only, rather than that momentary joy as the bride walks down the aisle, Christ’s delight remains that great, every day.
As I read that quote from Owen, I was overcome with emotion. That moment in a wedding ceremony, that moment that made me twinge, is a moment that I can delight in. It is where I see a real, tangible symbol of just how much Jesus loves me. ‘I wish someone would love me that much’, I used to think. Well, someone does. And not just anyone; Jesus loves me that much. 'His heart is glad in us.' Isn't it remarkable to know that we are loved that much?
Jesus’s love is greater than the groom's in that moment. Jesus’s love will not wax or wane; it won't grow cold. The next time I'm at a wedding and we all look back at the groom, I'll think of the day I'll experience love greater than a groom for his bride.
The delight of the groom in his bride on their wedding day pales in comparison to the delight Jesus has in me. One day I will look Jesus in the eye. I will see his delight before my very eyes. I will know just how real and overwhelming that love is. And that is a moment worth waiting your whole life for.
- John Owen, Communion with the Triune God, (Crossway, 2007), p.230.
