Rebecca McLaughlin, No Greater Love: A Biblical Vision for Friendship (Moody Publishers, 2023)
‘Friendship can fuel and shape us in delightful, God-exalting ways, or it can hurl us headlong into sin.
‘Friendship can revive us when we’re left for dead, or it can grind us down into the dust.
‘Friendship can project us forward in our following of Christ, or it can drag us back.’ (p.14)
Rebecca McLaughlin believes that friendship is incredibly important. Fuelled by this conviction, her latest book explores what this ‘friendship’ thing is, what the point of it is, and how to do it well – and all that in ten short, easy-to-read chapters.
The first five chapters focus more on the what and why questions. If you’re unconvinced by Rebecca’s starting assertions about the significance of friendship, the opening chapters will challenge your assumptions and allay your fears, as she unpacks what Jesus said about friendship and how his friendships looked. Key verses, from which the premise and the title of the book are drawn, are John 15:12-13:
‘This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.’
As she unpacks this and other biblical texts, Rebecca aims to ‘excavate the gospel shape of Christian friendship’ and show that ‘in Christian friendship, we can get a glimpse of Jesus’ precious love for us’ (p.18).
Thankfully, this biblical review feels more like a chat with a friend over coffee rather than a dense theological survey. Alongside these biblical insights are many helpful, honest stories from Rebecca’s own life and friendships, which flesh out her arguments and help you to see how you might apply these principles to your own life.
As she explores the goal and purpose of friendship, Rebecca challenges the view that friendship is all about us. Chapter four is given to the idea that our friends are really comrades – fellow soldiers, on mission together with us as we serve the Lord. ‘Our friendship isn’t just an end in itself. It’s somewhere we refuel as we support and challenge one another in the mission of our lives’ (p.84).
In all the books I’ve read on friendship, this is a unique and welcome addition (and not just because of the plenteous Lord of the Rings references!). We can so easily think that friendship is about meeting our needs and finding our own fulfilment, but really, it’s about something much bigger than itself – the mission and the kingdom of Jesus.
Friendship is about something much bigger than itself – the mission and the kingdom of Jesus.
Chapter five continues to challenge the idea that friendship is all about me and my satisfaction. It discusses the temptation to create cliques or ‘inner rings’, when the biblical call is to gravitate towards the outsider, not the people who are just like us. Again, this is a helpful addition, acknowledging that we cannot be close friends with everybody while nevertheless calling us to step outside of our usual circles.
The second five chapters of the book move from what and why questions to how questions. Though more practical in nature, this half of the book is still richly packed with biblical insight and personal stories. It looks at questions like: How can we offer healthy critique and encouragement? How can we be close without fostering codependency? How do we navigate the potential complication of sexual attraction in friendships? What should friendships with non-Christians be like? And what about when it all goes wrong – when we’re hurt, and our trust is broken?
Throughout the book, Rebecca draws important distinctions between friendship and marital love. ‘The beauty of marriage is that it’s locked in and exclusive. The beauty of friendship is that it isn’t. Marriage and friendship are designed to complement, not replicate each other’ (pp.112-113). She also differentiates friendship from the familial, community-based love that we should be sharing in our churches. This kind of love is also crucial, but it’s something different to friendship, again meant to complement it.
Particularly helpful challenges are offered to the idolatry of marriage and the devaluing of singleness that is so often found in church culture.
Particularly helpful challenges are offered to the idolatry of marriage and the devaluing of singleness that is so often found in church culture, as well as to our watered-down view of friendship. Rebecca calls instead for a higher, more biblical view of this kind of love that Jesus called the greatest.
This short, rich and accessible book is one I’d want every Christian to read – those with great friendships or no friendships, those who are married or single, those who have been wounded by friendship and those who have found friendship to be a place of healing. It doesn’t have all the answers, but it could help you towards those answers as it prompts thinking and conversation that you can share with your friends.
Whether you pick up this book or another one on friendship (or find a route that involves no books at all – such as our podcast series on friendship!), let’s engage with this subject. After all, as Rebecca says, ‘If Jesus is right that there is no greater love than to lay down our lives for our friends, then we need to learn this love as if our life depends on it’ (p. 15).
