When I think back to the days when I was taking exams at school and university, one particular piece of advice still sticks out to me: always read the question carefully and in full. I remember this being drilled into us time after time. I can see why it’s so important. Fail to read the question carefully or in full and you might end up wasting all your time saying the wrong thing.
Do that in an exam and you might lose some marks or even fail the exam. Do that in a relationship and the consequences might be much more serious. Many of us find it easy to rush over what others are saying in our haste to get across what we want to say. That might be because we’re in a hurry, or we think we already know what someone’s going to say, or we just don’t want to hear what they have to say. But speaking before listening carefully and in full is dangerous.
Speaking before listening carefully and in full is dangerous.
Sadly, I sometimes hear stories that illustrate this. I recently heard of a same-sex attracted person who left a church because of a disagreement with the leadership over a matter related to sexuality even though they were welcome to stay a part of the church. What was most sad was that the person’s main reason for leaving was not the disagreement as such but the fact that they didn’t feel they had been properly listened to. They seemed to respect that the church leadership might hold a different position, but they couldn’t stay in a church that didn’t seem to respect them enough to listen to them carefully and in full.
I wasn’t a part of those conversations, so I can’t comment on what actually happened, but hearing about that situation has challenged me to think about the importance of listening. How well do I listen to others? Perhaps most importantly, how well do I listen to those who might disagree with me?
Listening is so important. When we listen well, we communicate that we value the person speaking and we care about what they’re saying. It shows that we care about them as a person and not just about debating or disagreeing or even winning an argument. If they’re sharing their views on something, listening well shows that we respect their right to hold a certain view, that we want to understand it and engage with it carefully. If they’re sharing about their experience or how they feel, listening well shows that we care about what they’ve been through or how they are feeling. Listening carefully and in full communicates value. We probably all know how much it can hurt when it feels like someone isn’t listening to us.
Listening well also helps us to get a proper understanding before we speak. Much like failing to read an exam question properly, we can often rush to speak before we’ve understood what someone is really saying. Listening carefully and in full helps us get as good an understanding as we can of what someone is saying so that we can respond in the way that will be the most helpful and loving. We can’t engage with someone’s perspective and experience well until we’ve understood them properly. Listening well allows us to learn and understand.
This is why listening is so important in pastoral care, parenting and friendship. We want those for whom we care – whether people in our church, our family, or our friends – to know that we value and respect them. And we want to understand them as well as we can, so we can make sure that what we say is helpful and sensitive.
So, I’m going to reappropriate the advice my teachers gave me. I don’t take many exams these days (I’m glad to say!), but I do often find myself in the privileged position of people sharing deeply and openly with me. In those moments, I’m going to remember, always listen carefully and in full before answering.
