Does the idea of talking about sexuality scare you?
We live in a world that has very different frameworks and ways of thinking to those that we see in the Bible. In our culture, conversations about sexuality are one of the areas where those differences are most keenly felt.
Over the next few weeks, I want to try and convince you that we should be expecting to have these conversations – and that the opportunity to have them is a good thing. I’ll then give you some tips on making these conversations good ones, and we’ll end by thinking about the times when things don’t go according to plan.
Facing the fear
For many of us, the fear here is very real, and we need to start by acknowledging that.
Perhaps you’re scared of being asked what you think and not knowing how to answer. Perhaps you fear being branded outdated, unrealistic, hateful or small-minded when you do express your beliefs.
Perhaps you fear some very real consequences to your job if you say something that goes against the flow of the mainstream culture.
Perhaps you fear the impact on some of your relationships if you tell people what you actually think about sexuality.
Those fears are valid. They are worth recognising – and facing. Fear is so often bigger when it sits, vague and menacing, in the corner of our eye. When we dare to look at it head on, we might realise it’s not actually such a giant after all.
Start by having a conversation with your fears
So start by having a conversation with your fears. Take a proper look at them. Understand what they are and where they come from. And then think about what you might be able to do to allay them.
For example, if you fear being asked a question you can’t answer – what’s the question? What could you do now, in advance, to prepare a short memorable answer for yourself?
Or, if your fear is about your job and what you’re allowed to say, maybe your next step is to have a read of the Evangelical Alliance’s helpful booklet Speak Up.
Not all of your fears will be this easy to deal with – but some of them actually might be.
Whatever your fears, and however simple or elusive the solutions, ultimately the thing to do with them is to bring them to Jesus. He’s the prince of peace and the source of all wisdom. He loves you deeply and he delights to share all that he has with you. No fear or feeling is beneath his notice or unworthy of his time – he wants to hear it all from you. Have a conversation with your fears, yes – but also have a conversation with Jesus about your fears.
Grasping the good
We do need to accept that we’ll be having conversations about sexuality, whether we want to or not. The world has a lot to say about sexuality; it’s difficult to avoid.
But it’s more than that. The biblical teaching on sexuality is honestly good news, for all of us – whether we’re married or single, and whoever we’re attracted to. Living God’s way, in line with his design, leads to our flourishing. The biblical sexual ethic is good. It’s life-giving. Of course, we live in a fallen world, and so we don’t always experience this in full – but I and my colleagues at Living Out would attest to the fact that even in this fallen world, God’s words about sexuality are good for us, and living his way is a joy. Biblical teaching on sexuality isn’t something we need to be ashamed of.
It gets even better, because this isn’t just good news for an isolated area of our lives. The biblical story of sexuality is the story of the gospel. It’s the story of an intimate union with God that we were designed for, that we rejected, that is beautifully restored in Jesus, and that we will one day enjoy in full forever.
When we have conversations about sexuality – as we will, and as we must be prepared for – it's an opportunity to share the gospel.
Reckoning with reality
The world doesn’t always hear it as good news, though. It is so countercultural, and flies in the face of so many cultural assumptions. And sadly, we have often presented the biblical sexual ethic in a way that seems tone deaf or utterly irrelevant. How can we get better at this? How can we have these conversations in a way that is sensitive, relevant and helpful to people?
Author Katia Adams points out that the apostle Paul is a great example for us on having conversations in cultures that differ from kingdom culture.
‘Too often as Christians, we enter conversations that no one is having and wonder why we are not seeing the change that we are believing for. What Paul did ... was profound. He joined the conversation his world was engaged in, in order to bring meaningful transformation from the inside. Answering questions no one is asking is a waste of time and energy. Answering questions that everyone is asking with game-changing kingdom wisdom is part of the mandate on every believer. Join the conversation, and then provoke it to wholeness. We do not do ourselves (or the world) any favours if we denounce conversations without journeying with unbelievers in them.'1
Part of our mandate on this earth, our reason for being here, is to tell people how the good news of the kingdom impacts their actual questions and their actual lives. It’s not some abstract, esoteric message. It's grounded in reality. And we have the honour and the responsibility of sharing it with people.
How?
We stop acting like we’re talking into a void, and instead answer questions that everyone is already asking – and we answer with ‘game-changing kingdom wisdom’. We stop simply denouncing, changing or avoiding conversations, and instead journey with unbelievers in those conversations, towards truth. We meet people where they’re at and show them how the gospel is relevant there.
In other words, we join the conversation, and then provoke it to wholeness.
In my post next week, we’ll start to unpack what that could look like.
- Katia Adams, Equal: What the Bible Says about Women, Men and Authority (David C Cook, 2019), p.167.
