Jack, Izzie and Lauren are in a polyamorous vee. Jack is in a relationship with Izzie and in a relationship with Lauren. Izzie and Lauren get on well, but they are just friends. Jack, Izzie and Lauren are in a polyamorous relationship.
Tony and Jessica are a married couple in their mid-30s. They’ve been married for almost 10 years and they feel things have gone a bit stale. After lots of conversations, they decided to try opening up their marriage to see if that helped. Now, both Tony and Jessica engage in sexual relationships with other people. Tony and Jessica are in a consensually non-monogamous relationship.
Emily is a student in her early 20s. She’s always found she connects deeply with multiple people. She’s recently learned about polyamory and consensual non-monogamy on TikTok and Instagram and started identifying as polyamorous. At uni, she met other poly people and is now dating married couple Chris and Olivia while also being in an open relationship with fellow student Kristi. Emily is in polyamorous and consensually non-monogamous relationships.
What do you think of these stories? I expect for many of us they sound like the makings of a soap opera or an artsy, independent film. But these kinds of stories aren’t just fiction, they’re becoming increasingly common in the modern western world.
Polyamory is the practice of having romantic and sexual relationships between three or more people with the consent of all involved. Consensual non-monogamy is a broader category for any sexual relationship which those involved in agree isn’t exclusive.
Both are growing in acceptance and practice in modern western culture. You may even have noticed that: Storylines including polyamorous and consensually non-monogamous characters and relationships are becoming more common (think of Channel 4’s The Couple Next Door, Aisha in Netflix’s Sex Education, and even a 2021 storyline in Australian soap Neighbours). Or you may have noticed the media’s increased interest in such relationships this year (one significant example being a January issue of New York magazine featuring a cover article titled ‘Polyamory: A Practical Guide for the Curious Couple’). And earlier this month saw ‘Week of Visibility of Non-Monogamy’, an event that was just one day last year but has been extended to a whole week this year. Its slogan is ‘Together, we can normalize non-monogamy.’
Things are already changing, and that’s likely to continue. While many secular westerners might instinctively not be comfortable with polyamory or consensual non-monogamy, that will probably start to change quite quickly. When challenged, people are likely to realise they have no way to defend their discomfort. And then as the increasing visibility of polyamorous relationships convinces people they’re harmless and make people happy, changes in attitude will follow. It’ll probably be the same journey our culture went through in relation to same-sex relationships. That hasn’t taken long. Chances are the same will happen with polyamory. And that will raise some challenges for Christians.
Now is the time for Christians to start thinking about polyamory and consensual non-monogamy.
At the moment, some of biggest challenges Christians face are related to same-sex sexuality: we’re asked whether God hates gay people; we get invited to a gay wedding; or our adult child comes out to us and wants to introduce us to their partner. Those challenges probably aren’t going to go away any time soon, but they could soon be joined by some more: we might be asked if God hates polyamorous people; we could get invited to a celebration of a polyamorous relationship; or our adult child might come out as polyamorous and want to introduce us to their partners.
That’s why we need to think about polyamory now. We can’t wait a decade or so till society has accepted polyamory and consensual non-monogamy and only then decide to engage. We need to start now; we need to prepare now so we can engage well then.
We need to think about the Bible’s vision for human sexuality, what that has to say about polyamory, how we can communicate that well, and, ultimately, how we can show that it is good news for all people. We need to think about how the gospel and the Christian approach to relationships better meets the desires and longings that often drive polyamory. Now is the time for Christians to start thinking about polyamory and consensual non-monogamy.
That’s why I’ve written a short booklet titled Three or More: Reflections on Polyamory and Consensual Non-Monogamy (Grove Books, 2024). The booklet is a starting point to help Christians think about this important topic – what does the Bible say, how do we think through different viewpoints, and how should we respond?
Are you ready for these new challenges? Grab a copy of Three or More to start getting equipped. You can buy your copy from Grove Books.
