If I had a time machine and could deliver a letter to my younger self, these are some of the things I would say about singleness.
Singleness is normal
It is normal to be single. This took me a long time to learn, but I’m so glad that I did because realising this changed my attitude to singleness. In my late twenties, most of my friends got married and many started having kids. My world was suddenly filled with wedding bells and crying babies. To be honest, I felt like the odd one out, and I wondered what my life would be like.
Singleness is not an oddity, but a normal way of experiencing life.
But then, when I was in my early 30s, I read a stat that changed my perspective. Apparently 40% of UK adults are single.1 At first, I didn’t believe it, but then I looked around my church and realised how true it was. My church was full of single people. Yes, people in their twenties who wanted to get married, and many of them probably would, but also people who were divorced, widowed or had never married. I then reflected on my family. My wonderful grandmother was widowed young and never remarried; she spent longer as a single widow than she ever spent as a married woman. It is interesting (and sad) to think that 50% of all happily married people will be single again through the death of a spouse.
Teenage Adam, there are millions and millions of adults in the UK who are single right now. Singleness is not an oddity, but a normal way of experiencing life. Next time you go to church, have a look around you and see how many single people there are.
Singleness is meaningful
Thankfully, singleness is not simply normal, it is also meaningful. You can choose to live a single life that glorifies God. Just look at the examples we have in Scripture. Look at Paul. He was a single man and through his ministry he faithfully brought the gospel to the Gentile (non-Jewish) world and established many new churches. More importantly, look at Jesus! He lived a high-impact life, and he did it all as a single man.
But there are also examples in the modern world. John Stott, one of the most famous British pastors of the last 100 years, never married, and yet he did incredible things for God. Corrie ten Boom, the Christian author and concentration camp survivor, never married, yet through her books she has inspired millions.
Teenage Adam, whether you marry or remain single you can choose to give your life to God and live for his glory and pleasure. Single people have done amazing things for God, and God will continue to use single people to build his kingdom and fulfil his purposes.
Singleness is good
For many years I felt called to be single, and choose to live a single life, but I honestly did not believe that this would be a good life. It has now been over 10 years since I made that decision, and I can see how wrong I was: it feels revolutionary to say in a society obsessed with sex and relationships, but the single life can be good.
It feels revolutionary to say in a society obsessed with sex and relationships, but the single life can be good.
As revolutionary as it is to say, it really shouldn’t surprise me. No one is going to be married in heaven (Matthew 22:30), and if heaven is as good as it sounds, then we must assume that marriage is not essential for the good life.
However, even though I knew this intellectually, it took me a long time to grasp this emotionally. It has taken God walking with me through the highs and lows of life, meeting me at each point, for me to realise how good the single life can be.
From my vantage point now, I can look back and see what singleness has allowed me to achieve. I have been able to invest in friendships old and new in a way many of my married friends with kids simply don’t have the time to do. I have been able to use the time I have as a single man to serve in a huge variety of ways: investing in my church community, volunteering with Living Out, starting a podcast, helping on summer camps, visiting elderly relatives and being there for friends and family.
Teenage Adam, you may not believe it at this moment in life, but the single life can be a good life. It can be full of rich relationships, purposeful work, and genuine joy.
Singleness can be hard – and that’s ok
Just because something is normal, meaningful, and good, doesn’t mean that it is easy. This is important to remember when it comes to singleness. It is ok to find it hard. We don’t live in a perfect world, but one broken by sin, so we should expect everything in life to be hard, even if it is a good gift from God.
And the desire we have for marriage and sexual union is an important and good desire. Adam searched through all the creatures God created looking for a suitable mate (Genesis 2:18-20). It was not until he saw Eve that he found what he was looking for (Genesis 2:23). This desire is natural, good and inbuilt into all of us. You can mourn the fact that this desire is unfulfilled. A widow mourns their departed spouse, and a divorcee their failed marriage, and even though your loss may not be as great, you can still mourn the fact that you are single and would like to be married.
It is ok to find singleness hard.
I have found this right to mourn to be incredibly helpful over the years. At one point I assumed that if singleness is normal, meaningful and good, then it should also be easy. This attitude encouraged me to put on a smile when I actually felt like crying. This was an unhealthy place to be as it discouraged me from being real and honest about what I found hard and difficult in my singleness. Honesty is important because it is only when we are honest that we will go to others, and more importantly, to God, to get the help we need.
Teenage Adam, it is ok to find singleness hard. Marriage and sexual union are good gifts, and it is fitting to mourn not having them. Be honest about this struggle with your friends, your church and, above all, your father in heaven who knows you and loves you more than you can possibly imagine.
Singleness and today’s teenagers
Sadly, I don’t have a time machine, and I can’t tell my teenage self these important truths. But how I long for teenagers today to know them!
Many of the teenagers in our churches today will never marry, some will get divorced, and half of those who do have happy marriages will experience singleness again before they die. Singleness is going to be a part of so many of their stories.
This is one of the reasons we here at Living Out have created Kaleidoscope – a series for youth groups. We want to give young people the chance to think about faith, sexuality, marriage and singleness. We want them to think these things through now so that they can build good biblical foundations that enable them to flourish no matter what life throws at them.
- ‘40% of UK Adults are single’, Single Friendly Church Network. Accessed 25 September 2024.
