I’ve always struggled with feeling like I don’t have many role models in church. I remember being a teenager, coming to terms with the fact that faithfulness to Jesus was probably going to mean life-long singleness for me. I would look around the church thinking, ‘Where are the role models for being someone who doesn’t get married?’.
There was at least one man who was in his 30s or 40s and was single, but the main thing I remember about him was people saying it was such a shame he hadn’t found a wife. People clearly felt life had gone badly for this guy, and so he didn’t strike me then as a role model to look up to.
Fast forward a few decades, and I sometimes still feel the same today. There are very few other single guys in their 30s in my church. Most of my peers and the people I grew up with in church are married and have children. Looking up the ages, there aren’t many single men in the decades ahead of me either.
Recently I felt challenged that I easily overlook good role models.
Being an adult who is single and is likely to be single for life has sometimes felt a bit isolating in church. But recently I felt challenged that I easily overlook good role models.
A few weeks back, a lovely older lady in my church died. I didn’t know her well, but she was someone who exuded love for the Lord and for people and who seemed to have a deep-rooted sense of joy and contentment, even as she grew older and experienced the various trials that can come with old age. She was also a powerful prayer. In recent years, she and I were in the same prayer group supporting a ministry of my church. She was one of those people whose prayers reveal a depth of relationship with God and a maturity that is inspiring.
And this lady was single. As far as I know, she had always been single; she certainly was for the three decades I knew her. But it wasn’t until I was thinking about her after the news of her death that I really reflected on that. She was a role model in singleness that I had overlooked. Yes, there were differences between us – she was a woman, she was older than me, and, as far as I know, she wasn’t same-sex attracted. But she was still a wonderful example of what it looks like to faithfully follow Jesus in singleness. I think about her and I’m reminded of Paul’s words about the opportunity given to us by singleness: she exhibited ‘undivided devotion to the Lord’ (1 Corinthians 7:35).
Not only was she a good role model, but the church family around her modelled something too.
I was also encouraged as I reflected on her final months and weeks. She had very little in the way of biological family, and what relatives she did have were not local. But in her final months, church family members were visiting her and others were helping her with practicalities and paperwork. For many single people, old age feels scary. We fear being alone with no company and no one to help us. The example of this dear sister reminded me that doesn’t have to be the case. Not only was she a good role model, but the church family around her modelled something too.
Being an adult single in church can feel a bit isolating, and I don’t think that’s something we should totally deny or ignore; often we are the statistical minority. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t role models for us in the church. Even though people’s stories and experiences might have some differences from our own, across our churches there are wonderful examples of what it looks like to follow Jesus in singleness. Sometimes those role models are easy to overlook. I’m going to try and do better at spotting them, being encouraged by them, and imitating them.