A year ago, in reference to the loneliness epidemic, my pastor quoted a David French opinion piece from the New York Times called ‘Being There’.1 It resonated so strongly that I quite rudely tuned out and devoured the article on my phone. That webpage has been one of my many open tabs ever since.
As a single man in his (early) thirties with a podcast encouraging friendships between the single and married, it gave words to my groaning. Differences in life stages can dash our hopes of fitting into others’ worlds in any lasting, meaningful way. Singles can feel unneeded by married friends since married people may be perceived as complete in their covenant relationship. The wedded often fear that a night in with the kids isn’t appealing to someone with the freedom to go out on the town. These assumptions result in us missing even obvious potential companions. And at a time when people are lonelier than ever, we can’t afford to let misconceptions or insecurities choke the oxygen out of our communities. As a Christian, fellowship is a mandatory nourishment. Christ himself sought out camaraderie, and we are not above our Lord.
Making friends is just the first step. Maintenance takes intentionality.
But making friends is just the first step. Maintenance takes intentionality. In his opinion piece, French articulates how, despite no one really desiring to lose friends, it’s so easy to lose touch. ‘Life happens.’ Every new chapter, no matter your marital status, brings with it stealthy temptations to say ‘No’ to dinner or game nights in favor of work, spouse, kids, etc. These aren’t wrong priorities necessarily. However, I do encourage all who truly wish for enduring friendships to stay vigilant for the ‘noes’ that might be piling up unnoticed.
My own approach has been somewhat antithetical. I strive to catch every opportunity to say ‘Yes’ to whatever will reduce the friction in my relational logistics.
Take Ryan and Lauren – my longest, most consistent tricycle friendship. I went to college with Lauren for three years, two of which she lived in the same building and often popped in. She and Ryan dated long distance the entire time. My first big ‘Yes’ was offering Ryan my couch when he was in town. Sometimes we didn’t even cross paths, but the neatly folded blankets I’d find in the morning communicated his gratitude. It was also a good way to prove I wasn’t a threat as a male friend.
After graduation, Ryan moved here and he and Lauren got married. In those days, Lauren and I didn’t hang out regularly. Then all our communal friends began departing our transient city, leaving us both feeling a bit abandoned. So I said ‘Yes' to closing that gap. And the first step was getting to know Ryan better. Many believe maintaining opposite-gender friendships through marriage to be especially difficult, but one advantage is you can just ask their spouse to hang out one-on-one. And not only did my friendship with Lauren deepen by caring for the person she loved most, but Ryan is now my emergency contact. Wins all around.
This commitment has protected our bond through all manner of situations.
Our next ‘Yes’ as life got busy was making standing plans for one night a week, usually involving dinner and whatever else. The exact day of the week has changed to suit schedules over the years, but more than anything, this commitment has protected our bond through all manner of situations.
Fast forward to my next ‘Yes’, which was why I decided to start my podcast. A very pregnant Lauren speculated while we were watching TV on the couch, ‘I wonder how our friendship will change once we have a baby.’ Skip a few months and we found ourselves in nearly the exact same scene, only with a baby asleep in the other room. Turns out, a baby didn’t change everything. I simply spent more time where they needed to be.
Five years later, we are closer than ever. And now there are four of us. (Don’t get me started on the reward of being a steady presence for your friend’s kids.) It’s not always been convenient. Feelings have been hurt. But our need for one another comes into focus more and more each year. And the very pursuit of the relationship itself enriches it. So if you’ve got good friends, do whatever keeps you in the room with them, whether that be at their dinner table, at a church small group, at a kid’s sports game, or in a hospital. Say ‘Yes’ to being there.
- David French, ‘Being There’, New York Times.
