Here’s some wonderful news: an experience of same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria does not define your child. Many children in this category will long to follow and obey Jesus, and so will seek to submit all of their experiences to him. Your role as a parent is to be a trusted, loving source of guidance in the Christian life. Even if you don’t experience these same temptations, sharing wisdom from your own battles of saying, ‘No’ to the flesh and ‘Yes’ to Jesus will enrich your children’s faith. What is more, you may learn a lot yourself from watching your kids choose faithfulness in the midst of a generation that tells them they are foolish to deny their feelings for the sake of Christ.

At the same time, we recognize that despite our best efforts, we may have children who choose not to follow the Lord. Children may make this choice for all kinds of reasons, regardless of their position on LGBT+ questions. It’s important that you don’t assume that, if your child does not want to walk with Jesus, it is because of their experience of same-sex attraction, for example. Perhaps it is, but perhaps they have other more primary objections. Keep dialogue open with your kids to understand their resistance or hesitation as they describe it.

While your children have breath, there is always hope that they will turn to Jesus.

If you have spent their childhood bringing them to church and teaching them the gospel, their rejection of Jesus may also feel like a rejection of you. There are so many feelings that can arise, each of which needs a safe place in which to be processed. Remember that salvation is always a free gift of grace and that God loves to work through the prayers of his people. While your children have breath, there is always hope that they will turn to Jesus.

I’ve talked with many parents of adult children who have walked away from the faith in order to embrace a transgender identity or a gay relationship. Not one of these parents has been able to tell me about this without tears. Every time, they ask some version of ‘What can I do? What should I do?’ My advice is to pray for their child, to fast for them, and to radically love them. As parents, we know that love is never equal to full affirmation of choices – in a whole range of areas. But it is probable that your child is hearing from peers, or on the internet, in the culture that if you don’t affirm their LGBT+ identity, then you are a nasty, hateful bigot who does not love them. They may even want to cut you out of their life. It pains me to even type that, but I know it happens. In this case, remember that prayer is powerful. So pray without giving up. But if there is still a relationship held out, ask yourself, ‘In what ways can I show radical love to my child that might confound the messages they hear?’ This will look different in every situation, but be assured that spending time with your child, offering to pray for them, and asking about their friends and lives is not the same thing as condoning any of the choices they make.

Your adult children will certainly be well aware of what you think about the gospel and sexuality, if you have taught them. What they might not be sure of is whether you love them. In fact, because our culture says you cannot love someone who identifies as LGBT+ without affirming their identity, they might be primed to doubt your love for them because you clearly don’t affirm their choices.

Pray for wisdom, consult with your Christian community, and consider how to love your child well and whether there could be any opportunity for gospel conversation. I would prioritize talking about Jesus and his offer of salvation over conversations about sexuality for the child who has walked away from God because their primary need is reconciliation to the Lord. However, if they initiate conversations on sexuality and Christianity, by all means engage! We never know how the Spirit may be tugging on our children to bring them back to the gospel.

This post is an adapted extract from Parenting Without Panic in an LGBT Affirming World by Rachel Gilson, published by The Good Book Company.  We have posted this extract with their permission. Learn more here.