When it comes to sex and sexuality, those of us who are unmarried often hear little more than ‘No, don’t do that’, ‘No, that thing isn’t for you’, and ‘No, that’s not for you to know’.
Because we are so used to being told our sexual personhood is governed by one ‘no’ after another, we can be left feeling isolated from and even at odds with our own sexual nature. As Susan said to me, ‘Living on a diet of “Noes” has felt disheartening, dehumanizing, prohibitive and, dare I say it, embittering.’ She continued, ‘It’s like people view me as if I’m not a sexual being, like sexuality only belongs to people who are having sex. I feel invisible.’
All of this doesn’t simply leave countless unmarried Christians feeling disconnected from themselves, or alienated from others. It can also leave them feeling disconnected from their creator.
God's vision and purpose for your sexuality isn’t simply one ‘no’ after another.
Single friend, God has made you either male or female – that is, he has gifted you with a sexual nature. He wants you to embrace and express that in your embodied human existence. His vision and purpose for your sexuality isn’t simply one ‘no’ after another. Rather, he wants it to be governed by ‘yes’ after ‘yes’ after ‘yes’. But, he wants those ‘yesses’ to be Jesus-honouring and other-person loving.
Let’s be real with each other. There is a fair chance that you have had, are having, or will have some sort of sexual activity outside of marriage. In his book After the Revolution: Sex and the Single Evangelical, David Ayers shows that 68% of unmarried American evangelical Christians who are between the ages of 18-22 and attend church weekly, have engaged in either sexual intercourse or oral or anal sex. That number increases to 78% for those aged 23-32.1
And with almost 65% of Christian men admitting they watch pornography once a month or more2 (and those rates increasing amongst women, too), there is a high likelihood that this may also be an area of sexual struggle and sin in your life.
God’s word is clear. Our good creator designed sexual intercourse (and all the other things that go along with it) for marriage. It’s important for us to make sure we have that order right. Marriage doesn’t exist to give us the opportunity to gratify our sexual desires. No, our sexual desires are purposed to serve God’s purposes for marriage.
God gave us longings for sexual intercourse so that we might direct our eyes towards the earthly relationship in which those desires find their proper end – marriage. Then, within marriage and along with facilitating procreation, those desires are meant to foster and solidify the unique one-flesh relationship a husband and wife share. And this union is itself purposed to reflect the profound mystery of the union between Christ and his Church (Ephesians 5:32).
In the end, our God-given desires for sexual intercourse are not really about us as individuals. Rather, they are designed to serve loving relationships with others and, ultimately, to lead us to anticipate the depth of intimacy to come between Christ and the Church.
If you are unmarried and having sex (whether with your body or in your mind – see Matthew 5:28), you are turning your sexuality topsy-turvy in a very destructive way. You are rebelling against God by rejecting the purposes for which he gifted you with your sexual nature. On top of that, you are failing to honour the other person with whom you are having sex (with your body or in your mind) in the way God has designed you to. That person has not been placed in your life – or on this planet – so that they might gratify your sexual desires. Rather, you have been placed in their life to love them as the fellow image-bearer they are.
Jesus Christ was crucified so that you would be set free from your slavery to sin. In him, you are forgiven and have redemption.
We must not be apathetic about sexual immorality. It brings hurt, harm and, ultimately, death. Jesus Christ was crucified so that you would be set free from your slavery to sin. In him, you are forgiven and have redemption. So friend, repent from your sexual sin and crucify the flesh with its passions and desires (Galatians 5:24). Do not allow your sin to enslave you to itself again.
Right now, you might be thinking, ‘She just said that my sexuality as a single person should be about “yes” after “yes”. But here she goes again with one “no” after another.’ Friend, that complaint is the world speaking to and through you. It wants to convince you that the only thing your sexuality is good for is determining who you want to have sex with and the kind of sex you want to have with them. It wants to sell you on the idea that your sexual desires tell you who you really are. It wants to persuade you that unless you have the freedom to act upon those sexual desires then your personhood is being suppressed.
But God’s word tells you that when you say ‘No’ to misusing and abusing your sexuality, what you are actually doing is saying ‘Yes!’ to embracing and stewarding your sexuality. Your creator didn’t give you a sexual nature so that momentary orgasms could gratify you, but so you could say ‘Yes!’ to living and loving as a sexually differentiated human being in this creation… and in the next.
And being single gives you unique opportunities to say ‘Yes!’ to embracing and expressing your sexuality here and now. When you faithfully say ‘No’ to sexual intercourse (or other related acts) as a single Christian, you are not suppressing yourself, nor are you being oppressed. What you are doing is saying ‘Yes!’ to wisely stewarding your sexual personhood in ways that are lifegiving to yourself, loving to others and honouring to Jesus. So don’t buy the world’s lies. Instead, listen to and learn from God’s truth.
This article is adapted from Single Ever After, a newly released book by Danielle Treweek. Read more about her encouraging, empowering biblical perspective on the significance of singleness here.
- David Ayers, After the Revolution: Sex and the Single Evangelical (Lexham Press, 2022), p.131.
- Joe Carter, ‘FactChecker: Do Christian Men Watch More Pornography?’, The Gospel Coalition. Accessed 4 August 2025.
