I want churches, and especially church leaders, to speak about sexuality. If they don’t, it leaves church members to be discipled by the culture and often leaves those experiencing same-sex attraction feeling invisible. And I want church leadership teams to be clear about what the Bible teaches rather than implying that this is a matter where any opinion is equally valid. If they don’t, it will hinder clarity about discipleship.

But over the years I have heard the same pushback. ‘If we speak about this or if we provide a very clear line, then people who disagree might leave the church.’ Given that is to be avoided above all costs, silence or a lack of clarity inevitably follows.

I’m still convinced we should talk clearly about sexuality even if people might leave. And the reason is a conversation that Jesus has.

At one level I get that. I was a church pastor for 19 years and am now on the leadership team of another church. Every time I’ve seen somebody leave either church because they were unhappy it was painful and often led to soul-searching on my part. But I’m still convinced we should talk clearly about sexuality even if people might leave. And the reason is a conversation that Jesus has on a slightly different topic.

In Mark 10 we see Jesus meeting a rich man who professes to keep all God’s commandments. Mark tells us very deliberately that Jesus looked at the man and loved him. He then delivers an uncomfortable message: ‘Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.’ The result is that the man goes away sad, unwilling to give up his commitment to wealth.

The point is clear. Jesus loves this man that he is about to challenge. But that doesn’t stop him issuing a direct command even though it was more than possible that the man would leave. In the end Jesus knows that calling people to wholehearted obedience is what is necessary.

Not for the first time, I am reminded that what Jesus regards as love is quite different to us. So often our version of love involves always affirming people, never challenging them and never ever saying anything that might offend. But Jesus is very different. I’m sure he didn’t want the man to leave any more than we would want somebody to leave our church. But love demands that the cost of discipleship is not withheld or watered down.

Love demands that the cost of discipleship is not withheld or watered down.

I’ve spent a while over the last few years talking to churches – sometimes divided churches – about sexuality. I’ve often said that the goal for a church is to be as much like Jesus as possible. I’ve often had two things in mind. We want to be clear on sexual ethics like Jesus – see, for example, what he says in the first half of Mark 10 about God’s plan for marriage. And, like Jesus, we want to go towards people who aren’t currently living in line with his sexual ethics – see, for example, Jesus with the woman in Samaria in John 4.

But I’m now adding a third way we want to be like Jesus. We want to love people enough to be clear on the truth, even if they might leave. That will mean being willing to address the topic, perhaps in a Sunday sermon or possibly even inviting one of the Living Out team to do an event? And it will mean adopting a clear position as a church, on the right context for sexual intimacy and thinking through how to be biblically inclusive.