Phil Knox, The Best of Friends: Choose Wisely, Care Well (IVP, 2023)

When it comes to books on friendships I can’t get enough of them. This used to be a problem because almost no-one was writing any. But in the last couple of years, like buses, three have come along from British authors: Transforming Friendship (by John Wyatt), No Greater Love (by Rebecca McLaughlin) and The Best of Friends (by Phil Knox).

Why do I always feel the need for another book on friendship? Because I often don’t feel very good at it – like many people today I have a lot of friends in the broadest sense but have often struggled to build and maintain deep and lasting friendships with a few. I have allowed changing circumstances, my own busyness, and disagreements to cause some friendships to fade away without realising the preciousness of what I was losing. I have also not shared enough of myself, leaving even my closest friends in the dark as to what I’m really thinking and feeling.

I found the observation that Jesus clearly had friends in different categories wonderfully freeing.

At the heart of Phil Knox’s excellent book on friendship are chapters that explore the different circles of friends Jesus had and that, Phil argues, we need too. He explores five circles: Jesus’s best friends, his inner circle, huddle, network and following (with a chapter on each) and urges his readers to impersonate Jesus in developing different sorts of friendship. I found these categories, the accompanying diagrams, personal stories and persuasive explanations so helpful in diagnosing my need to work hard at developing my closest friendships, my inner circle, because I can sometimes give all my time and energy to the outer circles. For any that feel lonely, despite having loads of friends, the intentionality with which Phil urges us to develop closer friendships is incredibly useful. I think focusing in on a few can feel wrong to many a Christian and so I found the observation that Jesus clearly had friends in different categories wonderfully freeing.

Each chapter ends helpfully with some ‘top friendship tips’ and these are beautifully practical and doable. To take just one example, Phil’s questions to get conversations going at the end of church gatherings (one of the contexts in which I struggle most) are so much better than the ‘How are you?’ one that either merits the non-committal ‘Fine!’ or the just the same question back. I can see the friendship building potential of his alternatives (pp.104-105):

• What’s been keeping you busy this last week?
• What are you looking forward to in the next week or so?
• What’s going well for you at the moment?
• What’s a bit of a challenge?
• Is there anything I can pray about for you at the moment?

I loved Phil’s openness on how even an extrovert like him struggles to make himself go and ask these questions of newcomers to his church or build friendships with those outside it. Phil is clearly an evangelist, and I loved reading of his efforts to build friendships with those who live on his street and be friendly even to complete strangers whom he might never meet again. As a missiologist he points out how friendship with Christians is the key factor in most conversions in the west today, whilst wisely refraining from a call to do ‘friendship evangelism’, encouraging us instead just to share God’s gift of friendship with more people.

Phil’s book would now be my go-to book on friendship if anyone asks for a recommendation.

Phil’s interaction with secular research on friendship and relationships has the happy effect of showing how biblical teaching and living goes with the grain of our positive experiences of friendship. I love those moments when you find that social scientists are affirming what Jesus was saying and doing two thousand years ago – and there are plenty such moments in this pacy and readable book.

Phil’s book would now be my go-to book on friendship if anyone asks for a recommendation. Wyatt focuses more on inter-generational friendships (which Phil also touches on), and I’ve yet to read McLaughlin. Vaughan Roberts’ older title, True Friendship is a shorter read but Phil uses his extra words to develop many of his practical tips in greater depth. His writing style and personality make what he writes accessible for a huge range of people – perhaps especially the sort of middle-aged men that most need to be challenged about the state of their friendships?

Hear more on friendship from Phil Knox on the Living Out podcast: Designed For Friendship (Friendship #1)