You’re out for a drink with friends, and the conversation turns to dating. They’re going round the table sharing Hinge horror stories and comparing notes on their latest dates. One friend describes their type, and another ponders texting someone to repeat their one-night stand.

You shift around in your seat, sipping on your drink, dreading the moment it’s your turn to speak. You don’t want to say the wrong thing, or signal approval for something you shouldn’t, or come across as judgmental or square. Awkward, right?

(Understatement alert!) Our culture approaches dating and relationships quite differently to us Christians. Our views and choices will likely seem outdated or even hateful to our friends, so it’s natural to feel a bit anxious. How can we have better conversations about dating?

Clarity and honesty   

I’m preaching to myself here – perhaps the most important thing is to be clear and honest about what you believe from as early on in the relationship as possible.

My temptation is always to win people’s trust first and then share my faith once it feels safe, but that can make those pub scenarios even more awkward! If people don’t already know where you stand, it can come as quite a shock if you’re backed into a corner and end up blurting out something unhelpful.

Rather than hiding and saying something like, ‘I go to church on Sundays’, try to be upfront about why you’re single, or not hooking up, or not considering a same-sex marriage.

Common ground

While there might be awkward moments in conversations about dating, there will also likely be a surprising amount you can agree on. For example, someone calling out a homophobic colleague might make you worry they’d put you in that category, but you can join them in speaking up against such abuse.

There will likely be a surprising amount you can agree on.

Whether you’re single or not now, you will have been at some point, so you can join your friends in lamenting how our society isn’t particularly singles-friendly, how difficult it is to meet someone, or the pain of watching everyone else get married when you really want that for yourself.

The likelihood is that many of the things driving your friends’ dating lives will be familiar to you – loneliness, commitment, faithfulness, security and, yes, sexual desire. Even if you’re coming at it from different angles or taking different approaches, you should still have plenty to talk about.

Be real

In many ways, there’s no need to be so afraid. If someone asks you about your type, it’s probably ok to describe what you typically find attractive – it's good to recognise beauty in the people God has made, and our types can help us appreciate how God has made us and truly satisfies us. If someone asks about your worst date and you’ve never been on one, just say so! If they’re surprised, tell them about how your faith shapes your approach to dating. If like me you’ve been on some dates you probably shouldn’t have been on, talk about what you learned from them and why you’re doing things differently now.

If your friend is pondering a one-night stand and you’re thinking it’s not a good idea, why not gently ask what they’re hoping to get out of it, or how the other person might feel about it? You might have your own experience to share of how it doesn’t satisfy, or it might be a way in to talk about loneliness, the deeper satisfaction of knowing Jesus, or the value and dignity that God gives us. They’ll probably still go through with it, but at least you’ve been real about what you believe.

In a word: relax. Remember you’re human.

In a word: relax. Remember you’re human. You are not a sinless, pious, frigid Christian who has nothing to say and no experience to share. Your friends will probably find it weirder if you act like that rather than just say what you think.

Instead of being afraid of these conversations, let’s look for the opportunities to share the difference Jesus makes to our dating lives, and why he’s worth giving things up for. The Holy Spirit is with us as we do it. And let’s talk about dating with our Christian friends too – asking how they’re finding it, and encouraging each other through the ups and downs.