‘Yes but even if I am as gentle and kind as I possibly can be, simply the fact that I don’t believe people of the same sex should get married is a huge problem for our relationship.’
I spend a lot of time travelling around the country talking to churches about sexuality. (I’m not entirely sure that was my ambition as a teenager!) That involves deep and precious conversations – and by far the most common one is about relating to those we love who are in same-sex relationships.
I’ve listened to many stories. The person or couple talking to me will normally hold the biblical view on sex and marriage. But they have a son/daughter/brother/best friend who is gay and doesn’t. That person is now in a relationship or has entered a marriage. Most Christians I speak to (and I know there are exceptions) have handled that well. They have not been surprised when those who don’t profess to be Christians have not lived as Christians. They have shown love and interest in both partners. They haven’t spent all their time trying to persuade the person concerned of their error on sexuality. And sometimes that has meant a healthy relationship has been possible, where sometimes conversations about Jesus and the whole purpose of life can take place.
But on other occasions it has proved more difficult. The relationship with a loved one has broken down, simply because of the Christian’s view on sexuality, even if it isn’t expressed very often. They protest that you can’t fully love and accept them unless you affirm their sexuality, including their relationships. And that can be massively painful. On those occasions, I’ve often been asked, ‘What can we do?’.
In truth, I don’t really have an easy answer. Often I have simply wanted to weep with those who weep. But here are some things I would want to say:
Jesus himself has the experience of seeing people he loves wander away from a relationship with him because of what he believes is right for them.
In Romans 12:18 we read these words: ‘If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.’ That establishes a goal, but with it, a realism about what can sometimes be achieved. Often people can feel guilty (or be made to feel guilty) if they haven’t been able to maintain a good relationship with a loved one in a same-sex marriage. But where the cost of that relationship is not just being loving and kind but would necessitate agreeing with something they can’t in all conscience sign up to, then they shouldn’t be blamed and they shouldn’t feel guilty.
Because, of course, Jesus faces something similar. The issue may be different, but I’ve been struck recently by Jesus’s conversation with the rich man in Mark 10. This man wanders away from Jesus because he refuses to give up all that he has for the poor. But we read that Jesus loved this man. In other words, Jesus himself has the experience of seeing people he loves wander away from a relationship with him because of what he believes is right for them. And so, where we have seen those we love wander from Jesus and from us, we can feel his sympathy for us in that.
Some of the most difficult words that Jesus ever spoke are in Matthew 10:35-36. In those words Jesus acknowledges that loyalty to him will sometimes split families, as a daughter turns against her mother. We should not aim at that, for we are called to live at peace if we can. But nor can we always avoid it, and the pain of that is part of the cross we carry as we follow Jesus.
None of us want our views on sexuality to sever relationships. And we should do our best to avoid that. But I’m grateful for the realism of the Bible that means I shouldn’t feel guilty if, despite all my efforts, I find faithfulness to Jesus causes deep tensions with those around me.
