We live in an age obsessed with sex. It’s at the heart of TV shows like Sex in the City, The L Word, Sex Education, Love Island, and Heartstopper. Scandals about the illicit romantic liaisons of the rich and famous always make the headlines and boost ratings. For years advertisers have cynically used sex to flog cars, perfumes, and even bread. Sex sells. Magazine problem pages and online forums are full of sexual angst. Are we getting enough? Too much? Are we doing it right? How can we improve our performance?

But have you wondered why we idolise, worship, and obsess over sex to such an extent that it has become the god of our age? And why – if sex is venerated so much – we also cheapen it by having one-night-stands and meaningless encounters, treating it like a simple bodily function akin to eating a chocolate bar? As the secular feminist Louise Perry remarks:

Liberal feminism incorporates sexual disenchantment as an article of faith, insisting that it is a good thing that sex is now regarded as without inherent value in the post-sexual revolution era. But, in practice, liberal feminist women do not generally behave as if they believe in the truth of sexual disenchantment. Almost no one does.1

Our relationship with sex is complicated, but most people spend a considerable amount of time thinking about it and worrying about it even if they’re not doing it. Most of us have an instinctive desire to be found sexually attractive. It seems that we often look to sex to complete us and validate us. We even call our sexual partners our ‘other half ’. We seek sexual fulfilment to prove that we matter and are beautiful or handsome. It gives us confidence and makes us feel loved. Sometimes it makes us feel macho, powerful, and in control. We often want to have sex so that we don’t feel we’re missing out. We want to feel desired.

Our twenty-first-century culture isn’t unique in idolising sex. A quick survey of ancient Greco-Roman art and literature highlights the array of erotic practices that were widespread in those civilisations. We may think that we live in the most sexually liberated era, but, as the writer of the book Ecclesiastes in the Bible wryly put it: ‘there is nothing new under the sun’ (Ecclesiastes 1:9).

In some ways, this obsession is natural. After all, none of us would be here if it wasn’t for people having sex. But unfortunately, so often it doesn’t deliver what it promises. Sex can bring about a great amount of pleasure, but it can also cause a huge amount of pain and disappointment, especially when we use it selfishly or expect it to perform a role it was never designed for.

The reality is that the sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s—which promised more sex and better sex for all—hasn’t delivered.

The reality is that the sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s—which promised more sex and better sex for all—hasn’t delivered. Surveys vary, but the pattern is consistent. We’re having sex (at any age) on average three times every four weeks when in previous decades it was five.2 Half of women aged 25–34 don’t enjoy sex.3 Half! National libido is in decline. Sexual satisfaction is in decline. Over just six years, the number of people who rated themselves as good at sex dropped from 55% to 33%.4 The average number of sexual partners a person has in a lifetime has gone up,5 yet Nicholas Wolfinger, a sociologist at the Institute of Family Studies, observes that the evidence suggests the more sexual partners you’ve had, the less satisfying you find sex.6 It seems like the reality for many people doesn’t match the marketing and Hollywood glitz.

As humans, we all need intimacy. We’re made for deep connection. We long to be completely known and unconditionally loved, and yet many of us look for that love in human sexual relationships that will ultimately disappoint us. Marriages end, people have affairs, sex can be painful or disappointing. Even in the best romantic relationships, one partner will die before the other. Sex is often great but it can never deliver everything we expect or hope from it. So is there any good news or are we doomed to chase a satisfaction that is always just out of our reach?

People often think that Christianity is squeamish about sex or that it’s incredibly restrictive because God is some kind of cosmic killjoy. In fact, the opposite is true. There’s a whole book of the Bible (Song of Songs) that graphically and poetically depicts the joy of a sexual relationship between two lovers. God made sex as a beautiful and enjoyable thing. There is something so powerful in the act of sex. It fuses together two souls in a moment of ecstasy and unity.

Sex is just a reflection of something bigger and even more profound.

But here’s the even better news for all of us, whether we’re in a sexual relationship or not. Sex is just a reflection of something bigger and even more profound. Sex points beyond itself to the exquisite joyful union that we can all experience for ever with the God who made us and loves us intimately. It is a very deliberate picture of the depth of relationship that God wants to enjoy with anyone who will turn to him. We are loved and wanted and we don’t need a sexual relationship to experience that. Only Jesus can meet our deepest desire for intimacy, for love, to be fully known. So we can confidently look forward to experiencing an eternity enjoying the full depth of God’s love, but we don’t have to grit our teeth in the meantime. A deeply satisfying and rich relationship that meets all our deepest needs and longings is available to us right now. As the Bible puts it:

‘… as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you’ (Isaiah 62:5).

Jesus came to bring us the greatest possible connection that will ultimately satisfy, so why not continue to explore God’s heart for you by exploring Christianity with thought and care.

Excerpt taken from Have You Ever Wondered by Andy Bannister and Gavin Matthews (2024), pp. 63-66. Used by permission of 10Publishing. Copies are available for purchase at 10ofThose.com.

1. Louise Perry, The Case Against the Sexual Revolution: A New Guide to Sex in the 21st Century (Polity Press, 2022), p. 150.
2. ‘Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyle in Britain: Highlights from Natsal-3’, Natsal (2013). See also Louise Perry, The Case Against the Sexual Revolution: A New Guide to Sex in the 21st Century (Polity Press, 2022) for a discussion of the changes in attitudes towards sex.
3. Olivia Petter, ‘Nearly Half of British Women Dissatisfied with Sex Lives, Survey Finds’, The Independent.
4. Jim Mann, ‘British Sex Survey: “The Nation has Lost Some of its Sexual Swagger”’, The Guardian.
5. The average is now 6–10 with the mean being 9.5. Jim Mann, ‘British Sex Survey: “The Nation has Lost Some of its Sexual Swagger”’, The Guardian.
6. Quoted in Olga Khazan, ‘Fewer Sex Partners Means a Happier Marriage’, The Atlantic.